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i have logged onto LJ a few times since i last posted, but honestly i dont know where to start so much has happened...
what is new in this fabulous life of mine:"Tristan" is gone. I don't really wanna talk aobut it right now but he's a jerk off... totally manipulative... and i'm really sad that this shit went down like that because i really did have high hopes for him... but maybe they were too high?one of my friends overdosed and died on may 26th. click here to see the tribute video i made for him, or look at the bottom of this entry. i've never been able to properly pronounce his last name, i used to call him Zucchini. i just cannot believe he's gone. Especially since I was fucking around with that shit up until like a month earlier or so... but deep down I can't shake the feeling that he may have done this on purpose because of the extreme amount of oxycotton that they found in his blood stream, the fact that he did all this alone in his room, and i heard that he was going through a rough time. I hadn't talked to him in a while and then out of the blue i saw him with his girlfriend, who I'm tight with, exactly a week before he died. we shared so many memories together... I still kinda can't stomach the fact that he's gone. i was sexually assaulted on june 9th by my "best" guy friend. okay well i dont relly wanna say who it was. so we'll call him X. X and i have been friends for 4 yrs, i liked him for 3 yrs up til december. we dated and it didnt work out. bla blah blah. so for the last 6 months i've bene DRILLING into my mind that he is ONLY going to be a freind, cuz like we broke up cuz he dindt ilke me anymroe or osmethign and lately we started talking more and shit. and like our friendshisp been sorta like awk up until a month or so ago. and we just started talking and stuff and texting. and I PERSONALLY THOUGHT that we wer eFINALYL going back to NORMAL. i went to his house that day to watch Eurocup. and like during halftime or something we go to hi room cuz it has a fan. and we just sorta lounged on teh bed. with the fan pointin at us cuz it was fucking hot. like i didnt think AYNTHING of it being on his bed, like thats where the fan was, where else was i gonna sit? then he put his arm around me and like sorta rolled onto his side and started kssing me like crazy and i was like liek wait wiat wait wait whattttt?? and hes like lets "hook up". and i was like wait but ilke whats going on? liike okay i hadnt slept for atleast 2 days but like the night before i didnt slepe more than an hr and i hadnt eaten alot at all and so i was just absoltely exhausted and really slow. so i was compltely suprised. i didtn know what was going on. it was so werid. 6 months of CONVINCING ymself, after he made it VERY CLEAR that he didnt like me like that. and i'm just like asking him over and over agian what is going on. like seriously i was sooo slow that day and i totally told him that too like a half hr before hand. and like then he was like take off ur shirt and was strattling me. and i was like "wait what are we doing? what is going on?" and hes like "come on lets ""hoook up""" " and like after a few mins of me being ike whattttt? he helped me take my shirt off and then he pulled down his pants and pushed my face to his cock. and i looked at him and he like pushed it into my face to suck it and i was like so confused. i was like fucking crying. and he kept saying to suck him off. and like i cant expalin it, i felt like i didnt have a choice at all, it was so scary. even tho i know that he wasnt gona kill ,e. like i just obeyed him... like idk i was crying and gagging and he just kept pushing my head toward him and i couldnt breathe. and the whole time i just had no idea how this was happening. he's been my best friend for idk how long. wehn we were dating i never went near his dick. like i didnt feel like it was hapening. and then after he finished he was like "damn that was aamazing! maybe next time we chill we shouldnt hook up tho like damn." and i was like "i had no intention of us hooking up at all, and that was definately not hooking up." and he was like yea "i'm just a horny bastard". and then told me he was gonna take a shower . i laid in his bed going thru everyhting that happened in my mind. like trying to gather what just happened. i was in shock. cuz i remmber the SWEET amazingg caringg person he used to be when we ffirst started being friends. and i just still cant believe this happened. and then after he got outa the shower he wlked into his room, drops hsi towel, and got dressed. and then was like "okay we can either watch some more soccer or i can drive u home now". like that was allll that he had planned the entire time it felt like and i just looked at him and he was like are you okay? and i was like I'm not sure right now and i just walked into garage and sat in the car. and wehn we got to westmoreland i told him that i was gona be honest that i felt like i was just raped. and he was like What? and i'm like " "HOOKING UP" is not the same thing as forcing yourself on someone, getting sucked off, and driving the sucker home afterwards" and he was like "yea i'm sorry its the hormones". i'm like ur lucky i care abot u dont do athat to anyone ever again. i was stillll in shock. like it was justtt sinking into me what happened. then by my street i was like "okay u know what i feel like i was raped. completely." i was like slowly coming out of shock. but yeah like idk he was like "am i in trouble?" and i was like no but this will never ever ever ever happen again and u can NEVER do this to soemtoen again. and he asked if we wewre still chill and i was just like dont do it agian and we will be. i still didnt get it. like 15 mins later my friend Justin called me during his break b/.w classes and hes like "Hey buddy wahts up?" and i just poured out tears. like a river. and hung up. and i was just like maniclly sobbing and my dad and sis were like what? and i told them it was nothing. and i decided that i had to actualy alk bout it this time cuz last time this shit hapened i was a wreck and my life was semi-normal compared to now . so i called justin back., and told him averything. and i kept asking "was i raped?" and he'd bel ike idk ushould call the cops if u think u were. and so i'd say something else and ask him again. i spent 45 mins asking him if i was raped or not, cuz i should have said NO. cuz i didt nNOT want to. but i did... how does thta happen? i just felt like i had no choice or something like the way he was idk i cant describe it. my body went body just goes into panic/numb mode. and finally i texted the guy and asked him if i was asking for it and ehe said that he figured that i wanted it cuz i started texting him more---and i was like okay well ur completely wrote ings the opposite but AYNTHING ELSE? and he's like nope-- but he kept saying shit like: "i fel like shit right now cuz i know my fucking hormones did it and i wishe we didnt do it" "sorry. krista i'm going to be compeltely honest, i did sort of plan to hook up. and for that i'm sorry. i am. bu i thought since u didnt say no (umm all i did was ask what was gong oni woudlnt say thats a yes u gota admit) i should keep going. its still my fault. i think since ur emotional probs this wa a dumb idea and i think u have become really paranoid but you've matured more than i have over the yeras" "ya well i think u knew what u were doing esp when i said dont tell ayn1 cuz i meant that matt find out and u ef didnt mean that u knew. idk atleast i kno this wasnt my fault and it WAS u cuz i didtn act appropriately and tried to brush it off. idk what to say like when i was raped by my guardian when i was younger that was clearly something that i didnt want even when it got to a point where i gave up fighting him over the yrs. so i didnt kno what to think like if i was an easy victim cuz u think i'll have sex with anywone. i just dont know" adn i told him how fuckg in stupid i feel now. and i told him not to call or text me or aything . and that i had to stop crying cuz i was baout ot go into my psychiatrist appt idk like i could keep on ranting but liek ugh. this just feels worse than what my guadian did. who could say a lil girl wanted it from a 20-30 yr old guy? even if she didnt say no? now here i am by my xbf who's my age, and everyone knows i've been "in love" with him since 8th grade i feel disgusting. i'd rather have my guardian fuck me again than to have had this happen at all today. "i'm sorry tjhat i was quick to say that htiswont affect our friendsihip- bc i didnt thinkg bout what just happened. i wanttt eeryhting to be okay but if i cant stop crying then theres obv something wrong enough that its gonna affect somehow" i want to so bad tho, this is just ike so werid to me. i seriousuly used to go around telling ppl that i thought he was my SOUL MATE. ilke how the fuck can he ASSAULT ME, and then who would BELEIVE ME when i say that if i todl htem that. i just want ot sleeeeep. god like it feels WORSE than the 5 yrs of hell from my guardian. who could say a lil girl wanted it from a 20-30 yr old guy? even if she didnt say no? now here i am by my xbf who's my age, and everyone knows i've been "in love" with him since 8th grade. i feel disgusting. i'd rather have my guardian fuck me again than to have had this happen at all. i just ugh... i had this and then i get all these flashbacks from my guardian. and then i have my mom beoing like KRISTA TELL ME WHATS WRONG!!! i'm like nothing , ym spychiatrist dad and sister did the same thing. and i was just like "NOTHING". like i just want to rewind back to like 2 months ago ro something. like okay when i was 12 i found out i was pregnant. i finatelly screamed it to him one day when he wa about to do his thing, andhe stared at me. and let me be. it was so weird. and did that for a couple weeks. and then all of a sudden when he was "guarding" me he just beat the crap outa me. and so i miscarried. a couple weeks later we got notice that my guardian died of heart failure. i'm not sure how my life would be right now if he hadnt died to be honest. its so weird. but yeah like i'd actualy rather go thru that, seeing his face one last time while he was violating me. than to have this whole thing happen with X. like i feel betrayed really. betrayed violated and manipulated.
i'm 103 lbs now... gag
a lot of my friends went back to college this week, so i've lost a lot of playmates i guess
okay i can't type anymore this entry's wayyy the fuck too long. i will continue this bitch later... its 12:22am, and i haven't slept in a few days so maybe this would be a good start if i just pass out now eh?
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theres this girl that i'm "in a relationship" with but i really dont think she actually likes me i think she likes being liked. today she was all pissed cuz last night i black out drank and "broke up " with her on facebook and "engaged" my friend jeff who i'm gona move in with in a yaer or so.
she keeps telling me i'm too skinny. how i'm THIS CLOSE to being disgusting. i dont believe her though. she's "bulimic"- so she says... idk i think she really likes the attention. i hate that i feel that way though. so if she just doesnt want me skinnier than her she could be like "youre too skinny stop it" or something
idk i feel soooo obese. its ridiculous.
the last two days i've eaten so much.
i'm gona stop blazing its my weekness. its just that i love it sooo much.
but the munchies shit just kills me.
my stomache looks disgusting.
i've been writing alot lately. i htink its cuz i've stopped taking my antidepressant. it makes me feel bland. i write better when i'm not. but theyre not exactly happy things i write about i guess.
-----------------------
here's today's lil writing. i'm too lazy to make it rhyme. i'm relly stoned. ahaha
It was just yesterday that you loved me.
Years you cared and held me close
as I screamed in tears
in the middle of the night.
"Everything will be alright,
go back to sleep Baby."
You rubbed my back
with my head on your shoulder
as I dozed back into
a deep, peaceful slumber.
I miss those days,
they keep me strong.
I know this man I see
isn't the person I knew
years, and years ago.
These memories fill me with hope.
I know this isn't you
who raises his hand
and lowers it forcefully
onto my body.
Your eyes would never be
filled with the hatred I see.
You lower your zipper
and drop your pants.
This isn't you stabbing into me,
as I scream in agony,
inside and out.
THIS IS ALL JUST A DREAM,
THIS IS NOT YOU I SEE.
PLEASE GET OUT OF ME.
Please don't touch me,
Daddy, this isn't you.
I know you're still in there,
in time I will find you again,
behind the eyes in your skull,
masked by intoxication. ---- cool site: http://www.celebritydietdoctor.com/
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god i'm being so fat.
updates:
a couple days ago my mom came up to me and was like have u eaten dinner? and iwas like yea and shes like what did u eat? and i'm like cereal, cuz i really had eatn it. ad shes like i didnt cu eat it, so she made meeeeee eat, when i was already feeling fat from eating that cereal but i knew i'd need energy for wen my tutor came, so anyways she made me eat 2 fish fillets, 200 cals right there
then the next day i had 3 pretzels and a couple bites of salsa... then i went to work at my old job (cuz my boss begged for me back) at a pizza place, so apparently my mom asked my boss if i had eaten dinner but i didnt know. shes like did u eat and i said yea and shes like mike says u didnt... so she was pissed again and made me eat a fucking lean cuisine pizza. then my dad and i blazed and watched Requiem for a Dream, and i was already un-thinspired, and i ended up also eating a low carb wheat tortilla with peanut butter and sugar free blackberry preserves.
the next day, yestrday, i was like you know what? fuck it i'm gona eat today. and had cereal, 2 plums, a pear, a bowl of manhattan clam chowder (200 c), and i had gone to giant was like like i really wanted cookie dough, i got a tube of it and went into the giant bathroom and started taking bites oout of the blissful creation of satan, and was like "What am i doing?" so instead i would take bites and then spit it out in teh trashcan for tampons hahahah... but yea then got home and rushed upstairs, nuked a vegetarian chicken tender, flushed half of it down the toilet, then when my mom came upstairs i took a bite of my half eaten chicken tender and she was like why are you eating chickne when i'm making dinner soon? and iwas like i'm sick of italian food so i just wanted a couple of chicken tenders. had a banana and a sugarfree choc pudding cup.... yea i ate alot. and i feel absolutely grotesque. i did work out yesterday, ran 3.5 miles on the eliptical, burned alteast 250 cals on that alone then did i ton of weights, and i felt so gross i took a laxative and i'm still waiting for it to work.
i'm going to the gym today, hopefully, i slept through my aerobics class, so soon i'm going prob. and then work tonite. i'm gona pop an adderall soon. i feel disgusting and weak and defeated. Current Mood:  pessimistic
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http://www.freewebs.com/tasteofperfection/its all dedicated to ana <33 I love my best friend. She's always there for me. It's great. We're going through this together, always supporting eachother. I don't know what I would do without her. Probably like REALLY fat. We're doing this. We're going to be thin. We have to. She just transferred back to my high school, so I'm so happy. She left for a year to another school, met her boyfriend/ soul mate/ fiancée, only he moved... it's sad but I know that she'll be strong... they'll be strong. It's two years that they're going to be separated, I think it's been like 2 or 3 months now. Anyways, I'm glad she's back with me, we get to hang out sooo much more than we used to be able to. She's my rock, and through thick and thin (hehe), we're gona stay friends forever. I'm determined about that aswell :-P I always tend to lose friends, always people I really trust. Like her. Only she's been through a lot of the shit that I've been through with drama that stupid fucking girls create. So I really don't think she's gona fuck me over. Anywayssssss... Today~~ -Weight: 104 -Intake: grapefruit juice-90c fish-100c veggie stir fry-I really don't know the calories, but I only picked through so I could eat the tofu and straw mushrooms in it that was on my plate, then went to the bathroom and flushed the rest down the toilet. pudding-100c We're always going to be updating the website probably, it's something to totally distract us from the world of fatness in the kitchen and the rumbling in our stomaches. so take a look, sign the guest book. anyways i'm going to bed now, EXHAUSTED.
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So I got my period yesterday. I can’t wait until I stop having one. But I hate myself for what I ate yesterday. But I am proud of myself. Let me start off with intake: Juice mix- 65c +2 spinach salads with vegetarian chicken-about 30c + 116c of (10) chicken strips +4 sugar free popsicles-120c +1 Fiber One peanut butter granola bar (I was totally craving PB&J)-150c =approximately 600c Yes it’s a lot. But you may ask why I am proud of myself. I love cookie dough. Who doesn’t? Well my sister and her friend decided to go to Safeway and buy some chocolate chip cookie dough, Pillsbury… my favorite next to Tollhouse of course. (Why does she do this to me? ESPECIALLY ON THE FIRST DAY OF MY PERIOD) I wanted it so bad. I decided to look at the nutrition facts, hoping it would be like 150-170c per cookie and have me like throw up in my mouth. It said 100 per cookie. But of course when it comes to cookie dough, one would never be enough. And then you think, so… that like tasted good for like 2 minutes… I want another 2 minutes of bliss. And BOOM there’s 200 calories in your stomach and you crave more. And of course I think about this because I’m insane and driven and incredibly determined to be thin, even though yesterday was the most I’ve eaten in a while. So that’s when I wanted the PB&J and that’s when I tore apart the house looking for something that would satisfy my menstruating insanity. Then I remembered the granola bars I brought on my chorus trip that I brought because I didn’t want to be stuck with some calorie and sugar mine condensed in a tiny snack fit for a toddler that I would need more of being hungry. Yes they’re 150 calories, but full of fiber. Seriously they’re pretty good for you and make you shit. Yes I’m gross. But its true. So anyways I kept those in my room hoping that some day I would need them when faced with a crisis like last night with cookie dough. And really 150 calories and 35% of the daily fiber I need, compared to the cookie dough, is a lot better. So I sat at the table with my sister and my friend, stared… smelled… watched them eat the fattening cookie dough, piece by piece, 100… 200… 300… 400… 500… it made me feel amazing about myself. I sat there nibbling on my delicious 150 calories as they were at the climax of they’re 1000 calories they were going to be ready to consume. There’s 20 cookies in a package btw. So yea I did the math. Like I said, I’m insane. Then of course I messed up a little because I really was still hungry and opened up my pre-portioned sandwich baggies that I make (so that I know exactly what’s being put in my stomach) and before I knew it they were gone. But still, 150+130 is 280 calories. Almost 3 cookies worth, but definitely less: sugar, fat, and satisfying to my hungry stomach as 2.8 measly cookies. So that is why I’m proud of myself. And unfortunately I’m still 105. I’m hoping water weight. I’m taking adderall so I can control my hunger and cravings so maybe that my period will end early so I can get back on track. I don’t want to be a whale for when school starts in two days. Current Mood:  pleased
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UGGGGGGGGGGGH. i'm so fucking frustrated. i havent been eating like ANYTHING. uggggggh. ok three days ago... my grapefruit/cranberry mix-65c +1/5 low carb monster energy drink-4c? +WATER WATER WATER WATER -------------------- =about 75c yesterday... 2 servings juice mix-130c +energy drink-20c +3 slices tomato-10 ---------------------- The only reason i had two servings of my juice mix was cuz i was SOOO WEAK. so i worked for a long time yesrday walking around (i'm a waitress at a burger joint, so even if i'm hungry i can't eat it cuz i'm a vegetarian <33 ) and i wake up this morning and GAINED an lb. fuck the world. Current Mood:  aggravated
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